If you’re a listener of my podcast, you are probably familiar with the book Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay (a book I’ve been reading, with many parts that I have found fascinating and eye-opening). In one chapter, she deconstructs the sexism behind our perception of “likability” in a person. I know– this is not something I had ever considered as a sexism issue either. But if you’re curious to know more, keep reading.

Everybody prefers to be surrounded by likable people– whether it’s a man, woman, or non-binary pal. I am not trying to argue that only women are expected to be likable. But how come unlikability is a charge used against women so relentlessly?

Roxane Gay recounts how she was called mean in high school once. She hadn’t tried to be mean, of course, but two of her unapologetic traits were being honest and being human. She says: “It was either a blessing or a curse that those are rarely likable qualities in a woman.” Not to be dramatic, but I underlined this and sat thinking about it for a long time. I am a person who takes a lot of pride in being honest and being human– things that everybody should feel comfortable doing, in my opinion– and maybe I really am just mean, but I know that if a man were to give honest negative feedback on something (anything!), his input would be valued and not dismissed for being too harsh. And it would definitely not earn him the title of “being mean.”

Obviously, there are lines to draw. I feel like in order to preserve my credibility I should make this clear. In certain situations, being too honest is not the way to go. Being honest can hurt people’s feelings, therefore coming across as mean. But this is about situations in which a woman’s opinion is just simply not taken as seriously as a man’s.

Women are conditioned to not DARE displease anybody. That’s why (as Roxane Gay calls attention to) when one says “I’m not here to make friends” on any kind of competition show, they lose respect from most watchers. The expectation that women live only to be what those around them want– even in a literal competition setting– is plain and deep-rooted misogyny. Making a statement like “I’m not here to make friends” is an honest way to, as she puts it, be freed from “the burden of likability” and focus on other things instead… for example, making one’s way to a cash prize.

Besides that, Gay exposes how common it is for book and movie critics to completely dismiss a female character for her “unlikability.” She cites complaints about the leads in The Woman Upstairs by Claire Messud as well as You Take It from Here by Pamela Ribon. About the lead character in the movie Young Adult, she says “Based on this character’s critical reception, an unlikable woman embodies any number of unpleasing but entirely human characteristics. Mavis is beautiful, cold, calculating, self-absorbed, full of odd tics, insensitive, and largely dysfunctional in nearly every aspect of her life. These are, apparently, unacceptable traits for a woman … Some reviews go so far as to suggest that Mavis is mentally ill … They require a diagnosis for her unlikability in order to tolerate her. The simplest explanation, of Mavis as a human, will not suffice.” This is, clearly, beautifully said and I have not much more to add.

Gay goes on to point out how flawed male characters are much less often criticized for being unlikable (e.g. Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, Holden Caulfield in The Catcher in the Rye). Rather, they are analyzed as having wonderful complexities and putting on display the most human aspects of everyone. As we both agree, these features should be celebrated in any fictional character that is well-developed enough to make the reader so frustrated yet enticed; that is a success by the author.

Although we might not even realize we do it, holding the double standard to women (real or not) to be likable all the time is a very much misogynistic idea. Especially when their characteristics do not have any affect on anyone (for example, in a fictional book), consider if your urge to criticize a woman’s behavior is necessary. In other situations, though, I would generally advise you to ask yourself if you would hold a man to the same standard before making a judgement. These little things have become so normalized, but once we become aware of our own misogyny, we can make a real difference.